Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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