no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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