im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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