Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
