so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
