Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
