As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
