first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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