You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
