even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
