winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
