Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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