when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
