I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
