i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
