What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
