My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
