shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
