she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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