I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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