Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
