you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
