I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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