I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
