I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and she was petting her beer can
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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