Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
