She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
