This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
