Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
