I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
this is an emotional support booty call
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
