Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
