She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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