Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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