i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my being single is dangerous.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
