It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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