I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
