All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
