We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
