I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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