I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
