Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
