Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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