how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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