guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
