If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
