I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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