Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
