i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
