Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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