I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
