Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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