nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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