i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
