Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
